Single mothers reshaping ideas of family, parenthood

'Divorce dazi' who stay together to cut costs and raise children spark online debate

Li Huan, a divorced single mother with a 7-year-old son, and her childhood friend Wang Jie, who is getting a divorce and has a 5-year-old daughter, have been living under the same roof for six months, caring for the children together and sharing daily expenses.

In August last year, Wang and her daughter, Yang Yi, moved in to Li's apartment in Hefei, Anhui province, and formed a new "family of four". The two mothers, who are not affluent, divide household responsibilities and get along well.

"It's much simpler and happier than married life," said Li.

This new family structure, where two divorced mothers live together and jointly raise their children, has been labeled "divorce dazi" online and is the latest version of dazi culture, which is popular with young people in China.

Dazi involves activity partners for specific pursuits such as playing games, taking classes, traveling, or hiking and camping, and promotes the idea that everything can be done with a like-minded companion.

The pair's daily life, captured in short videos shared on social media platforms, has attracted attention from many who see it as an alternative model for family life.

Li and Wang were both born in 1990, and their harmonious and supportive cohabitation has led to numerous expressions of admiration from online viewers.

"This provides a new way for single working mothers," said one viewer. "There are many forms of family, why must we have a man?" asked another.

However, their arrangement has also sparked controversy, with some questioning the stability of the cohabitation model and others insisting that a father's involvement is necessary for a child's upbringing.

In response, Li said: "We share our story not to encourage others to divorce. We choose to live together because we need to lend each other a hand after our divorces."

A new family

In early 2023, Wang found herself in the depths of emotional turmoil. After enduring five years of denial and being belittled while living with her husband and in-laws, she made the decision to divorce.

Following her agreement to divorce, she took her daughter back to her hometown, but soon realized that she felt out of place and was a burden on her parents.

At that time, her close friend Li extended an invitation to her to live under the same roof.

Li, who understands the hardships faced by single mothers trying to balance work and child care, said the arrangement was intended to help Wang save on rent. A place in Hefei costs at least 2,000 yuan ($278) per month in rent.

Li's home, purchased with a loan several years ago, is a three-bedroom apartment with a spacious living room. Under the arrangement, Li and her son Sun Jiacheng sleep in one bedroom, Wang and her daughter in another, and the third room serves as a study and play area for the children.

"At first, I simply wanted her to break free from the shadows of her past marriage. However, our life together turned out to be even more harmonious than I had imagined," Li said.

She emphasized that they have hardly experienced the awkward adjustment period typical of new blended families, seamlessly adapting to their new life.

"After all, we've been best friends sharing everything since we were 15," Li said.

After moving in, Wang soon found a job in an office. Li does freelance work that allows her to operate from home while managing a monthly mortgage payment of 2,000 yuan.

On weekdays, each of them takes on specific responsibilities. Wang handles the morning routine of getting the kids to school, and Li takes charge of picking them up and preparing meals. They both clean the house together in the evenings.

On weekends, they take the children outdoors and during longer holidays, like National Day, they have a rotation system for taking care of the children, sharing the responsibility equally.

When she receives her salary, Wang transfers 2,000 yuan to Li for daily expenses to cover the month.

Additional high-cost expenses are shared equally. When it comes to paying for snacks and treats for the children, neither of them keeps track of who spends what.

While Li pays off her mortgage, Wang is saving up to buy a house nearby. In order to save money, both rarely dine out, and when they take the children for weekend outings they usually visit free recreational spots.

"As long as we're together, the kids always have a great time," Li said.

When it comes to disciplining the children, Li takes greater responsibility. If one of the children performs well they are both praised.

Similarly, if one makes a mistake, both children are reprimanded. Gradually, this breaks down barriers and fosters mutual trust.

Changes to children

Over the past six months, the children's personalities have also undergone positive changes.

"When they first moved in my son was a bit hypocritical, complaining about his little sister at home but defending her fiercely outside. Now, he naturally helps and cares for her," Li said.

"And our girl, who used to be highly sensitive and demanding, has become more emotionally stable and less prone to tears," she said.

Li believes that one of the secrets of their success is that neither of the women shies away from household chores and child care duties. "If parents could do the same as us, perhaps the divorce rate would be cut in half," she said with a smile.

After Li shared short videos of their arrangement on social media, some netizens questioned the authenticity of their story and suggested it was a publicity stunt with a scripted narrative. Others criticized their unconventional lifestyle, claiming it promoted an "anti-marriage" value system.

"If my child's father were reliable, would I have become a single mother?" Li said.

She said that her divorce was due to her ex-husband's infidelity, and she chose not to forgive him.

Initially, they agreed that she would raise their son, and he would provide child support. However, her ex-husband was sent to prison for economic crimes, leaving her to shoulder the burden alone.

Wang said she decided to divorce due to her husband's refusal to do household chores and his frequent, unjustified outbursts.

Through publicizing their lives, Li and Wang are aiming to draw attention to the struggles faced by single mothers and provide a narrative of "ordinary single motherhood".

"We may not have much money, and life may not be exceptionally exciting, but supporting each other and being understanding makes for a contented and fulfilling life," Li said.

While cohabitation has brought them great joy, both women don't recommend that others replicate their lifestyle without careful consideration of compatibility.

They believe that the success of their "family of four" is rooted in a friendship that has lasted for over 18 years.

Both encouraged single mothers to connect with other women in similar circumstances. "Even if we don't live together, mothers of similar ages can still support each other, take strolls with their children, and enjoy outings," Li said.

Internet buzzword

The divorce dazi phenomenon has gained significant attention on social media platforms such as Douyin and Xiaohongshu, with many users sharing their life stories and collaborative ventures, and even more expressing their admiration and seeking similar experiences.

On Sina Weibo, a topic titled "Two Post-1995 Mothers Living Together After Divorce" has garnered an astounding 190 million views.

The central figures are a single mother surnamed Zou and her close friend, another single mother surnamed Guo from Liupanshui, Guizhou province. Zou has a 3-year-old daughter and Guo has a 5-year-old son.

After their respective divorces, the two women, along with their children, embraced the divorce dazi lifestyle.

Besides working to earn money, their main focus is on spending time with their children.

In one of Zou's videos, she mentions that she owns a car worth 70,000 yuan, while Guo says she has paid off a house worth 200,000 yuan.

Living together, they have none of the conflicts typically associated with in-laws, no family obligations, and no need to cater to each other's preferences, Zou said.

Her Douyin account has amassed 19,000 followers, and her storefront features dozens of links to purchase children's clothing.

Deng Liming, a lecturer at the School of Public Administration at Dongbei University of Finance and Economics, said whether it's divorce dazi or elderly care dazi, such relationships reflect the self-selecting approach of modern individuals when dealing with life's pressures, emotional dilemmas, and aging issues.

"People today place a greater emphasis on personal happiness and freedom. From a positive perspective, when traditional models fail to meet their needs, people can seek new innovative solutions," he said.

"However, from a negative standpoint, these relationships may weaken the stability of traditional family structures and could potentially expose participants to legal risks and moral controversies," he added.

Deng recommended improving the legal framework to provide the necessary legal support and protection for nontraditional family forms. Additionally, he suggested bolstering counseling services to assist individuals to better deal with personal relationships and emotional issues.

Feng Lei, a specialist from the Dalian Psychological Society with a doctorate in applied psychology, said dazi culture meets people's emotional needs without the burden of emotional entanglement.

"We are currently seeing the emergence of divorce dazi, mainly voiced by women. This new relationship model can be seen as a product of female power," Feng said.

"Although they live together, they are relatively independent, providing emotional security, comfort, support, and companionship to each other," she added.

Feng said being with a like-minded woman temporarily helps the other one heal from the emotional trauma, loneliness, and sense of defeat brought about by divorce, leading to self-affirmation, self-acceptance, and inner reconciliation.

"However, it's important to note that divorce dazi is also temporary. Any relationship requires growth and cooperation," she said.

If one party finds a new boyfriend or remarries, it becomes challenging to maintain the previous arrangement, Feng said.

Unexpected visitor

In mid-March, Li and Wang faced a new challenge when Li's ex-husband was released from prison.

"He came to stay with us temporarily for five days right after being released. After all, I couldn't deny him the opportunity to spend time with his son," Li said.

Before his return, Wang said she had wanted to beat him for letting her good friend raise their children alone for so many years.

"But when he returned, he seemed at a loss and she (Wang) didn't do anything," Li said, adding that her ex-husband played with both children equally, and they liked him.

Li shared her discussions with her ex-husband on Douyin. They were more popular than her previous updates on "two single mothers raising children".Her account, which had only 1,000 followers a year ago, gained over 13,000 followers in just a few days.

As of March 18, the videos of her ex-husband had 6.92 million views on Douyin, over 6.39 million on her WeChat account, and 360,000 on Xiaohongshu.

"Many people commented that they wanted to see him repent and start anew. Some expressed their wish for us to get remarried, while others advised me to make use of this popularity to increase my income," Li said.

She has said she won't forgive her ex-husband for his past actions, and they won't remarry.

However, she is considering making the most of the attention her ex-husband's return has brought to improve the lives of their "family of four".

As for the future, both Li and Wang are not overly concerned. They believe that even if they part ways, the relationship between the two families will remain intact.

"If we overcome the current difficulties and part ways, isn't that a good thing?" Li said.